Speaker 1 (00:00.28)
So I have Krista Zaft on the podcast today. Would you like to introduce yourself?
Yeah, hi, Sam. Thanks for having me. I am in Canada this morning and I am a integrative wellness life coach and now I have a podcast of my own called Becoming Sound. And we deal with the way we talk about adult children of alcoholics and dysfunction and kind of growing up in chaos and all of the stuff that comes along with that, which is quite complex.
So yeah, so that's what I do. And then I just coach women on getting unstuck and really diving into what's keeping them from getting out of their own way and living authentically and becoming resilient and all of that stuff. So yeah, I love working with people.
And I think, because obviously I've been on your podcast and you talk predominantly about adult children of alcoholics, but a lot of that stuff is very relevant to other people that it might not have been alcohol that was the problem, but there was a problem within the household when they were growing up. And because I worked with a lot of people.
that have that, you know, when I talk to my one-to-one clients and they kind of go all the way back and they're like, my parents did this to me. it's super important that like people can recognize that.
Speaker 2 (01:38.648)
I think part of the issue too is we start identifying with all those little patterns and little behavior characteristics and stuff. And we don't make the connection that we're not what happened to us in childhood. We carry that with us and then we behave a certain way and we're like, well, this is just who I am. So that recognition isn't there. And a lot of people just live with that. They live with all of that stuff.
is what drives their behavior. And sometimes it's not great behavior, right? We're repeating patterns of complete dysfunction, not understanding that we built that stuff in childhood and we actually have the ability to behave differently, like to change that, right? We don't have to be stuck in those patterns. But yeah, a lot of people don't recognize that.
I think if anyone's listened to this, is like the permission to be able to not be stuck and to make some changes to make that
So how did you get into it?
you know what? I spent a lot of my life really behaving in, in stuck patterns. Like I didn't really recognize it when I was, you know, a teenager and a kid. I, I knew obviously my dad was an alcoholic. There was stuff going on in our house. I was the oldest, so I took a lot of responsibility on, I performed like a parent. I was a people pleaser.
Speaker 2 (03:19.582)
I quickly became a perfectionist, learning how to hide all the mess and the chaos and pretending everything was okay. And then I just developed a lot of characteristics that I didn't realize I was doing and come into my adulthood that all of those coping mechanisms and that hypervigilance that people pleasing, all that stuff just spilled out onto my kids.
And so I didn't realize I was parenting in that state. And I was also entering relationships in that state too, you know, not just my marriage, but even before that, I always couldn't recognize why relationships weren't working. I was either sabotaging them or thing. would, if it was going too good, would, it wasn't comfortable for me because I was used to chaos and noise and all that stuff. So I was always disrupting my own life.
and not really seeing that until a little bit later. And honestly, I spent a lot of time in that space, sadly. It made me resilient and it shaped me in ways that were really productive. In other ways, not so much. And I didn't start recognizing that until my marriage started falling apart. And just seeing my behavior with my kids too, I was a very angry person early in life.
And so I was acting out of anger and frustration, not because anyone was doing anything wrong, because I couldn't emotionally regulate like myself. And so I didn't really recognize that at first. then one day I'm just kind of like, I felt this inside of me building up and I was trying to understand what was happening. And I was like, something has to change, like my behaviors.
off the charts and my kids are reacting because of that. And I was just angry with people. I didn't like myself. I knew that I was, I could do better. I knew that there was something better for me to do. Like there was something calling me to like, there's a different way, but I was really stuck and I didn't know how to see that. And, and then, I started a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a meditation with her. And I'm like,
Speaker 2 (05:43.252)
Hmm. Yeah, sure. I don't know if I can get out of my head, but it was really, really busy in my head all the time. And I think that comes with hyper vigilance. You're always on guard. You're always trying to like manage the situations and that comes off as controlling and a whole bunch of other things. But yeah, I went to the meditation, my mind raced the whole time and I thought this is the dumbest thing I've ever done. But I sat through it and
And then I started going to Reiki and I started realizing that there was this calm person inside of me that was crying to get out. And I just wasn't allowing that. And so I really had to sit with myself, which was super hard to sit in quiet for a while with myself and lots of stuff started to come up when I did. And so, yeah, I got into therapy and that was fun.
And yeah, and I just started doing a bunch of stuff. I became really open to healing, like the healing world. So I got curious about myself. I really just kind of researching. kind of a research hound. And so I just started looking for ways I could open myself up, trying to figure out what it was that was driving me that way. And it was actually a therapist who really got
to the heart of the matter with me, started understanding that it was my inner child that was still in pain and crying out for change, right? So, and I think that's when you have a lot of stuff going up when you grow up in that dysfunctional environment, regardless, it doesn't have to be alcohol. It can be anything. I don't even think you can line 10 people up and pick one out that hasn't had some sort of dysfunction. Like really, it's not reality.
So we all have something that we carry with us is just whether we're willing to look at it, right? And there's this little child inside that was wounded at a certain stage. And until we kind of go back and address that, we can't really tackle the emotions that are coming up and the behaviors that come up.
Speaker 1 (08:01.024)
It's interesting because obviously, you know that I also have parents, a biological father that has an alcohol problem and my stepfather who raised me also has an alcohol problem. And I didn't truly appreciate that that was a problem until I became an adult and it was like, other people don't drink every day.
Yeah.
And other people, like when I speak to them, they didn't spend their like weekends in the pub all the time. Because when I was growing up, all of my friends' parents did the same thing. So we were all in the pub together as children. And so it wasn't weird then. And then obviously when you start to meet other adults and they are like...
Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:51.308)
Nah.
Speaker 1 (09:01.422)
What do you mean you like, don't even know what a pub is. I know some people that are like, oh, you mean a restaurant. No, no. I don't mean a restaurant. This is just somewhere where you go to drink. There is no food. If you want food, you have to go to like the food place next door. but yeah, it wasn't until at that point where I was an adult and I was like, oh, OK, so this isn't normal.
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (09:30.539)
for most people. it's interesting because obviously you had a similar experience but you always knew
I think I started realizing something was wrong in my house, like pretty early, like eight years old type thing, maybe before, but it didn't really register. mean, there were a lot of kind of traumatic events that like were damaging. And I knew that there was something wrong. But by the time I was 11, I was already, I think kind of wise beyond my ears in that sense. I knew that
what was happening was not right. I had already gone over to other friends' houses and their dad wasn't acting like my dad. And I mean, my dad was a great guy too. And so we had lots of fun times. And same thing when I was younger, all of our friends and relatives, that's just, it was just a party. And so it was normal to us, right? And it was fun. I thought it was fun. but when, but when no one else was around, it was just our family.
you know, there were instances where I knew something was wrong. And so by the time I was a young teenager, I was like, this is messed. And then I started pushing my feelings down at that point, because I knew that it was wrong and I knew that there was chaos and I didn't want to live that way. But instead of asking questions, instead of asking questions and like talking about it, because I mean, let's be real.
the 70s and 80s, nobody talked about this. And even alcoholism wasn't really talked about. Drug addiction for sure wasn't. And so I never thought to like talk to my mom or a friend or anything that would have been unheard of. It was more about keeping it silent. And like, I didn't want any of my friends to know that that was what was going on. And so I just hit it.
Speaker 2 (11:31.544)
from the world and when you do that, you start hiding yourself too. You start pushing who you are down authentically and you just kind of adopt a different identity. Whoever you need to be in the moment is who you are and you show up always trying to navigate the people in the situations around you. So the hypervigilance really dictates to who you show up as in that moment.
And yeah, and by the time I was a teenager, I had a full understanding that I didn't want to have friends over because I never knew who my dad was going to show up as. If he showed, if he was going to show up sober, he might be cranky. If he was going to show up drunk, he'd either show up as the funny guy. And that was the guy who I liked. And if my friends were around, that was okay. or he'd show up, you know,
in a horrible state and so that was so unpredictable. So yeah, I rarely had friends over. A few friends I did have in high school, it was like I was constantly waiting for the shoe to drop, waiting for something to happen. so going into my late teens and early 20s, I just wanted to escape that. Like I moved out early and I moved, we lived on an acreage in the country and I moved right downtown.
in the city that was closest to us. Like I just wanted to get the furthest thing away from the chaos. And I still went home and visited and I love my family and stuff. But yeah, I knew something was wrong. And at that point, I really suppressed stuff because I'm like, I'm on my own. I've left it all behind. Now I can just carry on with my young adult life. I didn't recognize
all the reckless behavior and I started drinking a lot. I never had a real problem with alcohol per se, but I, you you're young, you're 19, 20, 21, and all it is is a party. There's a bar open every night if you want, right? So, and my friends, we just drank, we had fun. I would go to work. was very, I was able to be high functioning, like high performing. I was always looking for,
Speaker 2 (13:57.134)
a way to excel in whatever job I was in. So I knew there was stuff wrong, but at that point I just pushed it all down and carried on my merry way thinking, I'm good, I'm good.
I think a lot of people do that. And I don't know whether it'll be different like with the generations to come because now people, you know, they do talk to their kids and ask them about their feelings and things like that. So I think that maybe my children, it won't be a, this has gone wrong and I'm going to suppress it. It will be a, this has gone wrong. want to talk about it. I'm going to move on from it. you know, it's
it's going to be fine. But like I was kind of brought up where you didn't talk about your problems. And I think like with, with my stepdad, because him being an alcoholic, say it's a very recent thing. It's not a very recent thing because we've always kind of been like, well, he drinks a lot and like there's concerns, but we didn't realize how bad it had got until he fell off a roof.
Yeah. And so this is like a year ago and where he was willing to actually admit there's a problem. And since that happened, everyone in my family has kind of changed the way that we've always been where it was always, we don't talk about that. Like we know that he's drinking, but we don't, we're not going to talk about that. And the amount of time, like my mom over the years has said, I'm leaving him because of
of alcohol and then she hasn't and then none of us have ever been like, you're back together then. You know, we never used to do that. But since this has happened, if they do something to upset me, I will just tell them. So it's really made us a lot more open where we all feel like we can be like, this is a problem. We're going to talk about it instead of just suppressing it because
Speaker 2 (15:48.878)
just don't even address it, right?
Speaker 1 (16:10.68)
Clearly that didn't get us anywhere.
Yeah. Yeah. It just makes it worse, right? Yeah. Just makes it worse. Yeah. Yeah. And I, I thought is the magic that social media has brought. It really is. And as much as it's can be a crutch and a downfall for a lot of people, and there's a lot of negative stuff on the internet, honestly, it is brought awareness into a whole new light. And I love it that parents
are talking differently to their kids. I even love it. My kids are grown, but there's, you know, I still have kids in their twenties and even they're talking differently. You know, they weren't brought up that way. You know, they were kind of brought up how I was brought up a little bit. My kids were a little bit like triggers for me. And that happens a lot with adult children who don't address their stuff. When you have kids, it's like looking in a mirror and you see these little people.
and what you're seeing is you hurt, you your hurt little person. And if you don't address that or recognize it, the behavior spill out onto your kids and it has really nothing to do with them. Unfortunately, they're just, you know, casualties in the succession of dysfunction, right, in carrying on those generational wounds. But I think today there's...
parents are talking to their kids. They are asking them how they feel. Nobody asked me how I felt. Nobody asked me how I felt. Not a teacher, not a parent, not, you know, we just, if you're crying, suck it up, you know, or what are you crying about? I'll give you something to cry about, Like that was the language and I never hear that kind of language now. And so that is the magic that's happening. And that's amazing. I think it's.
Speaker 2 (18:07.56)
So, so important.
Yeah. And well, I think there's a lot of people that will be like, kids have got no respect now. But there's a difference between kind of respect and saying, you made me feel this way. You know, and it isn't talking back to someone and being disrespectful by simply saying, actually, what you said to me was hurtful. But I think generationally that won't
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:38.286)
would have been seen in that way. And like my mom said, I've talked about this before. My mom was saying to me a few weeks ago, because me and my daughter, I've got a teenager and my kids call me out. So my behavior gets better. If I'm behaving in a certain way, they will be like, mom, it's not acceptable to talk to people like that. And I'm like,
okay. You're actually, you're right. I need to change my tone completely right now. And so my daughter, she was talking to this boy that I really do not agree with in any way. And we were having a debate about it. I'll say that. And she was like, why couldn't it just be happening? I like, I will never be happy about this because of him and his behavior.
not because I don't want you to see anyone, although that is kind of true too, because she is my baby. and so we were having this debate and then she just said, actually, mom, we need to stop this because we're both in heightened states of emotion. And I don't think that we're going to have good decision-making skills right now. And I was like, you are right.
you are repeating my own words back to me and we're going to come away from this conversation. And we came back to it later and talked it out and it was a lot better. But I was telling my mum about it and she was like, oh, when you was a kid, we'd have just been screaming at each other. And I was like, yeah, because you wouldn't have sat down. because I was a teenager that was just, I don't like being told what to do ever. Still now.
the
Speaker 1 (20:27.731)
struggle with that. It's probably why I work for myself.
Me too.
Yeah, and it, you know, I wouldn't have backed down on it. So we'd have just been, been screaming at each other. And she said to me, does that mean you're a better parent than me? And I said, well, yes, because I'm learning and my daughter will be a better parent than me. And her children will be better than her, you know.
Yeah, yeah. And I think, and I completely agree, but it's also, I mean, your mom's looking for validation too, right? Because, and I've been through this with my own mom, doing a podcast and laying our stuff out there is brought up some stuff. And I try to explain to my mom too, it's like, you showed up with exactly the skills that you had, and that is okay. Like that is,
completely acceptable. If you'd asked me when I was 15 years old, I'd told her she was a horrible parent. You know, she wasn't. But exactly that we would have ended up in a screaming match. There was no, the level of our communication skills was so poor. And because we didn't have anyone mirroring that for us, we didn't have a space like the internet to teach us about that stuff. I think it's phenomenal.
Speaker 2 (21:52.716)
that you're a different parent to your daughter. And just the fact that she's able to like vocalize that is truly amazing. You know, she's 10 years behind my kids. And so even in that 10 year span, what a change because my girls would have not talked to me that way either. Like they wouldn't have been able to vocalize that. A little bit, there was bits and pieces coming out because I was, I had started to heal when they were teenagers. And so
the conversations were getting better and better. But yeah, what a huge gift that is to be able to do that. But your mom is just looking for validation too, as was mine. And I just try to reassure that, you what, you showed up exactly the way that you, with the skills you had, you didn't have communication skills. That doesn't make us good or bad or better or whatever. It just, we are better at parenting. We are
we are better at it because we have better skills. That's it.
I did say that to her. I said, you're better than my grandparents. You was a better parent. We could come to you with things and you couldn't do that with your parents because that's how it works. You see something you don't like and you, a lot of people, not everyone, because some people just mimic the same and it carries on generation after generation. But a lot of people will be like, I didn't like that. So.
I'm not going to do it to the next generation.
Speaker 2 (23:28.844)
Yeah, exactly. And now my mom and I have completely different conversations. You know, I've never had such a deep friendship with my mom until the last few years, which is like such a gift, right? My dad passed away a long time ago and unfortunately I don't have an opportunity to mend that relationship, but I've mended it within me, which is great. And I understand where he's coming from and I can find compassion and some empathy for how he showed up.
it's because that's what he was operating with, right? Doesn't negate the behavior or anything. just, I can understand it now. And that brings more peace to me, but my mom and I are way closer and we have great conversations and deeper conversations. And I feel like I can express myself to her, which was never the case when we were teenagers, right? So kudos to you and your daughter.
Yeah. And well, my mom is my best friend. And although the issues with my dad and some of the behaviors that she allowed, like I don't necessarily agree with that and have not, and we have had debates about it. She was better than, you know, my grandparents and she would always come if I was doing teenage things and being like, yeah, I met my friend's house, but really.
I was not. She would be coming driving around looking for me. Just who she was. So she was brilliant. But it is just a case of it gets better. And that's okay. know, like when my kids are grown up and they're better parents than me, I'll be very happy about that. That'll be my grandchildren that are getting the best deal.
does. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:15.448)
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:19.95)
Yeah. And I think that generational gap to like the relationship that we had with our parents and then we're going to look at the one that our kids are going to have with their kids can be completely different. I think that I'm in a space and you're in a space where there'll be more understanding. So like when you said before, you know, sometimes teenagers get a bad rap and you know, they spoiled or whatever, they don't listen or
I think that that kind of assumptions will be a lot less in the future because we're able to relate that, you know, they're just, they're showing up with what they have, which is better than I showed up and wait. And so that generational gap always creates a little bit of tension because the understanding level isn't there, right? And so that's how, you...
really step back and look at it, you can see how that happens. like, teenagers today and this and that. It's like, that's just a generational gap, right? That's a lack of understanding. Yeah.
So what advice would you give someone that was listening to this and thinking, actually, like, I'm really resonating with that. Maybe not even the having an alcoholic parent, just the, is what I experienced as a child and it's followed me through. Cause as you know, a lot of the stuff that I do, there's always a link somewhere.
And it's, you know, I did it myself, same patterns over and over again. until I did it, and it's funny you saying about my children, they have seen the healed version of me because they can't remember the unhealed, unhinged version of me. And I am so grateful that they don't know that.
Speaker 1 (27:25.07)
But what would you say to someone that is kind of sitting there going, okay, that's me.
I think just to, I lived in fear for a lot, a long time. I was scared to really voice, like have a voice for myself, to ask questions. I wasn't curious about myself because I thought there would be a lot of judgment if I showed my true self. And I think if I could go back to a younger version of myself, I would A, not be so hard on myself.
because everything works out just fine. And I would start asking questions. That's one thing I didn't do. And I think when you live in a state where you're really hypervigilant, you're really tuned into yourself more than you are to the outside world. In a sense that you're consumed about safety. And so you have a hard time listening and gathering information.
And so when you start getting curious about yourself and the world around you and start asking questions, that's when the doors start to open up. That fear of judgment starts going away. So really getting curious about yourself. That was something I didn't. I was living in a state where I was just in protective mode and I wasn't curious. So asking yourself questions, finding someone who you can confide in, even just to tell them
a little bit about what's going on inside you and someone that you feel safe with, someone that you know won't judge you. And yeah, just saying, hey, I'm not okay today. Like this is what's going on and I don't know how to process these emotions. I don't know how to talk about this stuff. Not everybody will lean into therapy because it's scary, you know? And so, and I didn't for a long time.
Speaker 2 (29:32.0)
I had it in my mind that I didn't want to bring up the past because it would be too painful. I didn't want to talk openly about it because I was so afraid that even a therapist would judge me even though I knew they had to keep it in the confines of that room. Something told me it just wasn't safe to do that. And so if I could go back now, I would definitely find a therapist. I would find someone I could talk openly to. I would start to
bring some of the stuff up and even though it is tough, it's some of the most freeing work you will ever do. And I wish the only regret I have is that I didn't do that sooner. I didn't do that when I was younger. And it's the only way that you break this generational stuff from coming up and repeating patterns and stuff like that. And just, I think just this giving yourself a break.
You know, I was really hard on myself. And I always tell my daughters now, I'm like, you know why you just got to give yourself a little grace. Like it's okay to, you don't have to be perfect at everything. You don't have to make everybody like you, you know, just being you is okay, right? Like you're enough just as you are. And if I would have,
I think my life would have been a little easier. I don't regret a lot of things. I truly believe when I look back now, think everything made me resilient. Everything made me who I am and I'm so grateful. And I would change the point of opening up sooner so that my kids would have a different
outlook on things, especially themselves, their self-worth there, you know, so when you repeat patterns like that, the people that you damage are the people who are then going to carry on those patterns too. So if you're able to step outside yourself and say, how, how, what am I doing that is causing my kids to behave the way they're behaving or react the way they're reacting? Is it me? I had a hard time asking myself that question.
Speaker 2 (31:56.482)
Like really looking at yourself and saying, how am I showing up here? Like what kind of stuff am I saying? What words are coming out of my mouth? And what kind of behavior am I, you know, showing them and therefore they're acting the way they are, right? So really just turn in words and it's okay to show up as you, right?
I think that's the same in all areas because you know how you're showing up in a relationship with your friends and I talked to my clients about this all the time. If you have people around you, so if you have friends that are taking advantage of you or friends that you're constantly chasing, please, please can we meet up? no, I'm busy.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:51.318)
you always send the first message and things like that. If you have people in your life like that and you're allowing that to happen, then it isn't really a coincidence that when you get into a relationship, someone treats you in the same way, because you're already allowing this stuff to happen. But I do think it is very hard to kind of be like, am I the problem? And what is going on with me?
that is causing these outcomes to happen over and over again. And it's hard, know, I speak to people all the time where they're like, there's a problem. I know there's a problem. then when I, because I'm very straight talking, I'm to the point and you know, I give people the disclosure about that before I talk to them. But when I speak to them and I'll have like a 15 minute chat,
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:50.912)
And ultimately I'm saying the issue is you. And you need to do some work on that. Like however you choose, you can come into my program, you can go find someone else. You can go off on your own journey and go back to university, college, whatever. If that's what you want to do, that's I did. But the issue is not going to go away if you just keep.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:12.748)
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:19.918)
trying to get back on the horse and it's the same outcome.
100 % I was as I'm developing my coaching programs and stuff, I'm reading through like this personal responsibility. It's almost like a checklist like and I'm like, this is the very first sheet these people are getting, you know, because it's so hard to look at yourself in the mirror. That's one of the hardest things. But ultimately when you peel all the layers away, we are the only ones who are responsible for our entire lives.
What we create is being created out of what we're putting out there. Our attitude, our beliefs, our patterns, our programming, all of it. Everything we say and do is a reflection of what we've created on the inside. So if you're not willing to look at yourself, you're gonna stay stuck. You're gonna keep coming up against you all the time. And you can call it whatever you want.
relationship problem. you know, something used to say is, I'm not, I'm just not good at relationships. You know, I've had all these failed relationships. I'm just, I must not be good at relationships. Yeah, you're right. You're not good at relationships, you know, because you got some problems. Yeah. Because you're not willing to see, you know, you blame this person or this guy or whatever. And until you're really ready to look at yourself, you can make small changes, but huge.
Like life changing stuff doesn't happen until you look at yourself. And that is across the board in anything. Whatever you come from, whatever situation you're going into, I approach things so differently now after doing, like I know everyone isn't like always all over the 12 steps and I'm in an Al-Anon program. I'm not a religious person or anything like that, but there's something to be said for the steps.
Speaker 2 (36:22.998)
and you can take the word God out of it and just look at what those steps say and what they have you do. And Sephora is looking at yourself. And that changed, completely changed my world. It changed how I saw other people, not just myself, because I realized I was not taking personal responsibility for everything in my life.
That was the catalyst that brought about the biggest change for me. And so when I read that like personal responsibility kind of worksheet and I was like, this is exactly what everyone should read going into anything, you know, should read that before you go into become a They should have it for you in the hospital, in the delivery room. by the way, please sign this, please read and sign this personal responsibility.
I mean, it makes such a difference, right? You show up differently for yourself. You show up differently in other people's lives. And that changes the complete dynamics of any relationship that you're in, your kids, your parents, your personal love relationships, all of it, it changes. Then you're able to say, how am I showing up here? Like what's going on? What am I doing? How am I reacting?
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:46.036)
And that's huge. It's completely changed all the relationships I have. And it also allows you to set the foundation for your boundaries, which is what you were talking about before. If you don't take personal responsibilities, you don't understand how to set boundaries. You don't understand that your time is valuable too, and your peace of mind is valuable. And what you're saying yes to all the time that is exhausting you or
tromping all over other people's boundaries too. You just don't have that concept until you're really personally aware of everything inside yourself.
Yeah. And it does work. works for a lot of things. I work with a lot of people that obviously they come to me because of the relationship problems that they're having, the dating problems, but then they also have a financial problem where they have like a limiting belief about, can't afford this and I, you know, have to squirrel money away to keep me protected. And it's same.
up.
Speaker 1 (38:54.87)
until you start working on those limited beliefs. Like if you continue to think I am never going to have enough money, then you're gonna just keep doing actions that you're never gonna have enough money because that's just how it works because your inside is talking that out and playing it out. But the 12th set is interesting because in my program, one of the...
things we have, I have the prayer that God granted me the serenity to accept the things I change because although the past happened, you can't do anything about it. And that prayer, like you repeat it enough times. and obviously I've been to Al-Anon and, I haven't completed the 12th century, but to step nine, it's.
It's a work in progress.
always a work in progress.
It's so important to just remember that actually you can't do anything about the past, but you can do stuff about the future and how you move forward with that.
Speaker 2 (40:11.47)
100 % and when you start taking personal responsibility for all of your behavior, you actually learn to see the past differently. And so you find understanding in that and understanding equals forgiveness because a lot of times we're holding on to stuff because we can't forgive ourselves. And so the more the more personal responsibility you take the more you're willing to look at your own behavior, the more you can actually look back and say, now I understand.
how I was showing up with the skills that I had. And now I can forgive myself for that because I was just doing what I knew. So many people are carrying that huge bag on their shoulders everywhere they go and they just can't let it go is because they're not willing to look at themselves and find that understanding. So grace for yourself in the moment gives you grace for yourself in the past.
That level of understanding and forgiveness helps you move forward. You don't have to look back there anymore. Once you've done that work and you've really looked at yourself and you've forgiven yourself for some, lot of the mistakes that you've made and for showing up in the capacity that you were, it allows you to stop looking back there. Stop looking over your shoulder all the time and reacting from your past mistakes. allows you to actually move forward.
And I think that was one of the biggest lessons I learned is, is when I really looked at myself, I was able to move forward at a much faster pace. You know, I've got a coach, I started a podcast, I started living differently. I talk differently to myself, to my partner, to my kids. And everything changed really drastically in a shorter period of time because I wasn't constantly looking backwards all the time.
repeating that story I had perfected in my head. I don't need that story anymore. You know, that story is empowering to me now and it's creating change in my life and other people's lives. And it's enabled me to talk about it openly instead of push all that down. And people think, well, I can't change. Or, you know, sometimes I'm like, I'm 55 years old and you can change at any point at any time. And, and
Speaker 2 (42:39.902)
I don't regret anything in the past because it's made me who I am. But I also am so grateful that I have a lot of life to live, right? And now I'm not gonna live it in that state anymore, which is amazing, right? It's amazing. It completely changes your life.
There's a saying, my mom has said this my whole life, that you are a long time dead. Yeah. And you know, that's true. The longer that you live in the pain and live in the chaos.
So true.
Speaker 1 (43:19.222)
It's going to carry on until you do something about it.
Yeah, it's so true. you know, the percentage of people who do this work, very, very small. And I think the more we talk about it, the more people can see themselves in that story or in that paragraph or in that phrase or whatever. It may be that little social media clip that's talking about trauma. When you see yourself in that, you can start understanding yourself better. And that's where change comes from. Right. So
Yeah, I love these times and we're able to talk about this stuff. As much craziness as the world is in, there's a lot of beauty in it and a lot of blessings and gifts if you're willing to look for it, right? Yeah.
And you you can, you can find wonderful people. Just this podcast, for example, like all of my guests, just naturally, like I don't do any interviews with people, can you come on my podcast beforehand? I check people out and we've spoken before. you know, I knew that you was okay, but like.
Thank goodness for record buttons, right? It's like, all right, and this interview is not going to be recorded.
Speaker 1 (44:38.67)
Yeah. but everyone that I have attracted onto the podcast, I mean, they've all been brilliant and they've all been nice people and given really good advice. So when I believe when you sit in a space where you are happy with yourself and you're comfortable and you know your boundaries where
know, if I got someone on the podcast where I was like, this isn't going to go out, then I would say it. When you sit in that space, you then just naturally start to have nice people around you.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:21.334)
You attract what you're putting out, right? Yeah. 100%. Yeah. I have more people in the last two years. I have tenfold more people in my life that are authentic and genuine and like-minded. And that's just what I'm attracting. And it's so amazing because you meet the most amazing people that help you continually grow and see yourself. And yeah, I love it. And I think
what you're doing and what I'm doing on podcast is amazing because it's getting information out there to people. And I always say, if there's just one person listening to this that takes something away from it, then I feel great with my work, with what I'm doing.
That's what we're here for, isn't it? To make the world better.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly. Well, thank you, Sam. Thank you for having me. Absolutely a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (46:16.62)
No. Thanks for coming on.
