Sam Morris (00:01.784)
Hello. Welcome to, well, just me getting ready again. Today is my son's leavers play. So he's leaving primary school. I think that's elementary school for any of my American people. So yeah, he's got a play they're doing, High School Musical. And I already watched.
There was one on Tuesday and I watched that one and then I'm going again to this one and then there's one this evening as well and I'll be there as well. Who wanted me at all of them? yeah. So today I am actually going to answer a question that came into my inbox yesterday which is super cool. So obviously,
If you have a question that you want me to answer, you can email me too. So the question was, how do I stop myself from getting so attached to somebody new? And this one is something that happens so often that a lot of the people that I work with have this same problem where...
I kind of say to them, well, how long was it before they moved in? And they're like, you know, two weeks. And I'm like, do you think that that was an appropriate timeline to know if someone is a murderer or not? And I would like to go to the extremes, but you know, I know that you never truly know that. So.
One of the key things here is that actually...
Sam Morris (01:59.534)
Being super fast is a tactic. So a tactic for a lot of people that are ultimately, they end up being controlling, they end up being coercive, they end up manipulating people. One of their tactics is to move super, super quick. And part of the reason is because
Sam Morris (02:31.84)
I to put it this way but it's easy to manipulate someone who is in a chemical imbalance. When we start to like someone, we get a hormone release, so we get a dopamine hit which is similar to going in and taking some cocaine or going and getting drunk. You get this little hit and when you get that, if you think about
you know, whenever you have been drunk, if you've ever been drunk before, you don't always make the best decisions. And that's what happens when you are getting a dopamine hit. And all relationships start with this massive hit of dopamine. And that's why people will refer to it as the honeymoon period. Because that's what it is. Because you are essentially high during that time.
Obviously there will be people that disagree with me on this one but go do the research, that's what it says. So it's a tactic and I talk about this in my Red Flag toolkit because moving fast is a real indicator that that is a red flag but a lot of people kind of get caught up in the moment and I know I've been there.
caught up in the moment. My ex-husband actually, he came and stayed over. Maybe, well wasn't even a date. Like we didn't go on a date, maybe like the third time that I met him, he came and stayed over and he never left. yeah. So I get it, and I was so caught up in it.
but I didn't have good decision making skills at that time. And so when I work with clients who say this, and certainly when we do, when I've done my year long mentorships before, we will actually set up a timeline of what we think is appropriate. And this stops you from getting too attached to quickly providing you stick to the timeline.
Sam Morris (04:56.844)
And you can kind of put it however you like. If you're a more digital person, you can create a diary, you can create a digital journal and do it that way. Or if you prefer paper, you can write this all out, you get a new diary or a new journal or whatever it is that you want and put out what feels right for you.
So my guidelines will always be the first three months you are getting to know each other. There should not be any moving in. Obviously, do what you want. This is just based on what I've seen over the years. Working with a lot of men who have committed domestic violence and listening to them and speaking to them and learning their tactics.
and that's what it is, it's a tactic.
You need to stick to your boundaries to stop yourself from getting so attached so that you then don't get hurt if this person isn't the right person for you. Because three months may seem like a long time, but actually it's not. And if after those three months you've got to know this person, you realise, hmm, they're not the person for me. At least you are not then wasting another six months a year.
two years. Most people when they are in toxic relationships I think that averages three years before they realise, I'm done now. You don't need to waste that time, you can just go slowly in the first three months to figure out who this person is and whether they are a person for you and whether they're not. And not everyone will be and that's fine.
Sam Morris (06:57.952)
is always kind of when I am creating these plans with my clients, that is kind of the first, always the first point of call to not be making any life changing decisions in those first three months. So no marriage, no engagement, no moving in together, right?
Sam Morris (07:26.194)
and then the rest is kind of down to you. I would always say, and I know this isn't always possible, but I would always say try to not be intimate in at least kind of the first three weeks. And there will be people that are sat there listening to this being like, what the hell is she talking about? And a lot of kind of the backlash that I get from clients is,
But how will I know that I've got physical connection? You will know. You don't need to sleep with someone to know whether you have a physical connection. You can feel that. You can feel whether there's a vibe. So you don't need to rush that part either because the thing with sex, it is amazing with the right person. It also releases a dopamine hit.
And as we already know, we don't make good decisions when we're high on dopamine. So that would be in the plan. Of course, follow it however you like. All of my clients that have been through toxic relationships, however toxic they are, controlling whether there's someone that cheats on them all the time, generally everything has moved so fast they've slept with each other and then they're living together.
if you slow it down
Sam Morris (09:01.09)
you start to see things, you start to notice. If there's a red flag, you notice it. Whereas if you're high on dopamine, you don't.
So that would be where the starting point would be to stop you from getting so attached. And it is as simple as having kind of like a tick list. I know with my clients I'll create a plan for this, but if you're doing this by yourself, you have a tick list of, okay, after three weeks, it's okay to sleep with them. And then after date one, you tick, didn't sleep with them. Date two, tick, didn't sleep with them. Date three.
Do whatever you want.
I wouldn't advise anyone to be having more than one date a week.
because that again, it's overwhelmed. And if someone, you know, it is lovely that they want to spend so much time with you. And I get why anyone would be like, this is so exciting.
Sam Morris (10:06.732)
you just need to keep it in the back of your head that you don't make good decisions when you're high on dopamine. And the more you see them, the more that will be triggered within your body. And if you've still kind of got a nervous system dating problem, whereby you are hurt from previous relationships, your childhood, and you haven't got over that,
It's so easy to fall into this nervous system dating trap where you rush everything and then you find yourself back with someone that is very similar to your ex or someone that is very similar to your father, your mother.
Slow it down and you are less likely to fall back into the same trap.
And then you can obviously then start to pinpoint, know, when do you think is appropriate to get engaged? If it was your child, if it was your best friend, if it was your parent that, you know, is newly single, is someone being together for six months okay for you to get engaged?
What is your opinion on that? When we're living in it, we tend to change our opinions on things because we don't, you know, we get caught up in the excitement. If someone proposed to you that you really like, you get caught up, oh, lovely wedding dress. You know, I love a wedding. Everyone loves weddings. People get caught up in that, but.
Sam Morris (11:52.224)
If you got it in your baseline of actually how long, know, if it was my child, if they got engaged after a year, I be concerned about that? If it was my niece or nephew, if it was my mom or my dad, would I be concerned about that? And then you can start to build your own timeline. And if you just look at the people around you that you love and decide whether you'd be concerned about certain things,
then that's you knowing what your baseline is. And it is as simple as that. the major kind of hurdles of a relationship that everyone goes kind of full pelt into, someone staying over at your house.
Sam Morris (12:39.18)
You know, you've heard my three week rule. You don't have to follow it. But what I can tell you is that the clients that do follow it, it works. It worked for me.
Sam Morris (12:54.646)
it stops you from falling so deeply in. And obviously this was a question into my inbox, so there are lots of people that are, well at least one person, but I know that this comes up over and over again when I jump on one-to-ones. I rush into everything so quickly and how do I stop that from happening? And it is simple as you setting your boundaries, but you need to notice it beforehand. Not, I'm in the thick of this.
and I really like this person, I need to start creating boundaries now. Because I think I'm getting in too deep. Have that beforehand. So then if you have a visual aid of after three months, right it's okay, we can start having these discussions, we can see where we're going, do I like this person? Up until you've got that.
know, visual, it can be just a simple tick list.
don't start moving any further forward. And it's surprising how just having something as simple as a tick list stops my clients from moving too fast. Obviously there's also me that, you know, they jump on a call and they're like, Sam, I slept with him. And I'm like, okay, let's talk about that bit.
It happens, but it is less likely to happen if you have some accountability of not moving too fast, of not falling too deep, of actually getting to know someone well enough to decide, is this someone that I want to stay with? So that is my tips, and yes, tell me if that's you.
Sam Morris (14:55.158)
Move too fast.
Sam Morris (14:59.072)
let me know I can help and also if you have your own questions that you want me to answer then email me drop in the comments I will make you a video speak to you tomorrow
