Common dating mistakes

Is the internet ruining your chances of dating?

So is the internet ruining not only your chance of dating but also your well being. I know the internet has so many valuable qualities, search engines being one of them, but some recent studies have linked internet use to loneliness.

I want you to write out a chart or you can use my free PDF, to work out what percentage of your day is spent doing what. Then do this for a week, you can use your smart phone to tell you about screen time. My daily average is pretty high at 5 hours, but I put that down to me working from my phone as I rarely sit to a computer to answer emails on social media anymore. Your phone will literally tell you how much you use it and that’s not including the time you use your laptop or your work computer.

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Then I want you to think about what that internet use is, are you spending lots of time on social media? Are you spending time working, are you watching porn?

Put this into a chart too. Is there a pattern? Are you spending more time on the internet than you feel you should be? Has your daily goals been affected by this use?

So I want you to think about how it makes you feel when you are doing these things?

Are you mindlessly scrolling through social media? Or are you spending hours watching porn? Are you excited? Are you bored?

Common dating mistakes - the Internet Illusion

There is a thing called the internet illusion. You see things on the internet that you start to believe is true. Social media for example, when was the last time you put on your social media… “I had a really rubbish day today?” Or “today I went for a poo”? It’s one of those things, people only show the nice parts of their life. How many people only tend to post when they are doing something good like a holiday? So if it isn’t real for us, why would it be real for someone else posting? You must have seen these videos of people where they look completely different after make up. It’s no different. But what we find when we spend long periods of time on the internet, we start to think there is something wrong with us, we start to compare. We start to think why can’t we do that.

I recently saw another relationship coach, talking about how many women he gets and I think he said he has 6 girlfriends and he was saying to go work with him and he will show you how too. The problem here being is that most women don’t want men who get lots of women, they don’t want to be one of 6. But there will be men out there, buying his courses from him thinking they want to be like him, because they are struggling to get 1 woman and he knows how to get them 6. That’s the power of social media! Obviously if you are here listening to this, you realise that I’m not going to teach you how to get lot’s of women, I will teach you how you can put yourself in a position to attract the right woman, but just one, not many.

Talking differently on the internet

As well as social media, people on the internet talk differently to each other. Just the other day, someone commented on my youtube calling me crazy. Now would someone say that to me? I don’t know, but I do know that I have presented in front of 100’s of people and no one has ever stood up and said my presentation is the ramblings of a crazy woman. Another example is online dating and if you are doing this, because your friends are doing it, or people told you this is what is done, just stop! Saying Hi to someone and then the next message or a few messages later, sending a picture of your penis. The question you have to ask yourself is, if you got talking to a women at the gym, supermarket, a bar. Would you say Hi I’m John…. And here is my penis?

No, you wouldn’t. Why? Well for one, you would get arrested, but two, it isn’t going to get you a date. So why…. Would anyone send this to a stranger via the internet? I think we could all take a lesson from that, if you wouldn’t do it in person, don’t do it at all.

Basically, the internet blurs the boundaries of what is acceptable. Obviously, there are lots of reasons why this happens, some people aren’t confident speaking in person so they use the internet as a way to speak, it helps them build that confidence. It may as I said before, just be that they think that is what everyone does. I read recently on a forum that a women had found a few what she called potential partners on an online dating website, she had half vetted them before she started a conversation, they were professional men, who she felt she could build a future with, all 3 stated they wanted relationships, not hook ups. When she spoke to these men, one man sent her a picture of his penis, one asked if she wanted to come round to see his bed and the third asked for a picture of her breasts. Her question was, why are men like this. And I honestly think, given these were on a relationships dating site, not a hook up site, that these men just didn’t know how to approach this women.

What do you think? Have a go at the charts, do it yourself or go to the website and get the one I have created for you. Fill it in, you can send it to me via email if you want me to give you some pointers – [email protected]

I’m Sam Morris, mens healthy sex and relationships coach and host of the Whatever happened to Gentle Men podcast, I’ve helped 100’s of men find their perfect self to be able to attract their perfect partner.

Don't forget to download your charts here and watch the video to take your through them. 

If you want to hear more from me, listen to the podcast on your favourite platform - Whatever happened to the Gentle men.