Samantha Morris (00:00.142)
becoming social anxiety, boosting confidence. I'm Sam Morris. Some of you will know me already. And this is Whatever Happened to Gentlemen, the podcast that is all about helping men become the best version of themselves before they date again. It is based on my Thrive Resolution program.
Samantha Morris (00:27.086)
Today I am doing a deep dive onto owning your presence. Anyone that says that they haven't felt tongue-tied or haven't felt unsure of themselves, scared in social situations is lying. If you saw me presenting in a room full of people, which I've done many, times over my career,
you would think that I am actually really, really confident that I know what I'm doing, that I've, I've got this literally got this, but what you wouldn't see is just before going out into that room, just before going live on that team's video that for three minutes, I have to sit on the floor.
and I have to control my breathing and I have to reduce my racing heart.
It happens every time. I may appear overly confident, but actually I'm not. I just managed to kind of get over it. The same happens, I think in the dating world. In fact, I actually asked my husband out for the first time. Well, no, I said to him, I like you.
It was not as weird as that sounds. He wasn't a random stranger in the street. I did know him, but it did kind of go from there. He did like me as well, but he didn't know how to actually ask me out. He didn't want to come across as sleazy and he didn't want to embarrass himself. And I think this is part of the problem. I grew up in a society which I know a lot of
Samantha Morris (02:30.24)
other people that will be listening to this will have grown up in a society where in a typical male and female relationship, because this is from experience, I am heterosexual. The female didn't do the asking. I never ever asked when I was a teenager, a boy out.
That just it didn't happen We live in a modern world now Women certainly have a lot more rights. They have a lot more to say However 20 years later for me being a teenager. I have a daughter who is also a teenager and she says the same thing so
she would never ever ask a male out or a female. She just wouldn't, she wouldn't do it. So what can we actually do? Because if men are scared of asking because they don't want to piss, a sleazy, they don't want to be embarrassed. They don't want to get knocked back. Certainly in this day and age of
constant being recorded. I don't know if anyone saw that video of the girl recording the guy at the gym and he was actually just trying to be helpful. But I understand why people would be conscious about going up to other people. But then from the other side, females still expect you to ask them out.
What's the solution to that? It's not online dating. Online dating, I understand why online dating is happening and in my other business, probably now 50 % of the couples met on dating websites. So I understand it, but...
Samantha Morris (04:55.478)
If you are using online dating as a way to speak to people and gain confidence, it's never going to work because you need to actually meet them in person and you need to get used to speaking to people in person and not being nervous because eventually you are going to have to meet each other if it is going to be a good relationship. You cannot have a good virtual relationship where you never meet each other.
So you need to gain some confidence, overcome your social anxiety and own your own presence. I'm going give you some steps of what you need to do. Step one is becoming more self-aware. So take some time to reflect on what you are good at, then reflect on the things that you could improve on.
So if you know you are good at speaking to people once you know them and you know this from your life, but you're not very good at making introductions, write this down. Are you good at making introductions? But then it gets awkward. Write that down, write down exactly.
what you are good at and a few things that you think that you can improve on. Not, not what I think, not what the guy at work thinks or your mum, what you think that you could improve on and actual things that you would be able to do. don't write down that you want to be going and joining a women's group. because
You can't. Step two. So you've obviously, you've wrote these down. Step two is to think about your body language. When you're talking to people, do you look them in the eye? Do you smile? Do you stand up tall? Have a look.
Samantha Morris (07:20.072)
at pictures. So go all over your social media, have a look at pictures of yourself, ones that you've been tagged in specifically because your own pictures are kind of biased because generally you only post the best ones. Go and have a look at those pictures and try and imagine yourself as someone that didn't know you. Do you look confident? Do you look sure of yourself?
Do you look happy? And if you don't, go back to step one, write those things down. Step three, give yourself a talking to. So I don't mean tell yourself off. We're all about positivity here. Obviously there will be times when I am quite blunt and to the point and you
may not always like that, but it is coming from a good place and there's a lot of things wrong in society and I'm here to help. So from a positive point of view, tell yourself every day that you are amazing. Tell yourself you're capable of speaking to people. Say it out loud, say it in the shower. I went skiing recently for the first time.
And obviously I was absolutely terrified and the first day I fell over quite a few times and the people that I was with who were also beginners were doing great and not falling over. So I was a little bit upset about that and it nearly made me want to go home and I'm so glad that didn't. But what I did...
on the second day was as I was going up the ski lift, I was singing at the top of my voice. Now, obviously it's a mountain. Don't think I'm insane. Not that many people could hear. My friends could hear because they were obviously on the lift. Anyone that's been skiing will know how the lifts work.
Samantha Morris (09:47.006)
I was singing at the top of my voice that I am a good skier. I am in control of my skis and I'm not going to fall. And I sang it over and over again from the bottom up to the top. Obviously my friends thought that was insane, but it worked. I didn't fall again. I'm not saying that, you know, obviously people do fall all the time.
when they're skiing and you may fall or falter when you're doing new things. If you are saying to yourself, I can speak to people, I am good at speaking to people, when you try it out, it might not work the first time. There may be times where it does work and then other times it doesn't.
But you are telling yourself over and over again and giving yourself that confidence to be able to try. So go away from this session. Sing to yourself in the shower. I know how to talk to women or whatever it is that you want to improve on. It could be, I know how to impress my boss. That's another one that I have used. And interviews when I've been to interviews before.
I imagine myself getting the job. So I say to myself over and over again, probably for a week before the interview every day, that job is my job. I'm going to get that job. And I go and I walk into that interview and I actually imagine myself saying, thank you for offering me the job. I have never failed at an interview. I've every single job that I have applied for.
and made it to interview. There are several jobs that I've just applied and I've never been offered an interview, but every job that I've interviewed for, I have been offered the job. Your positivity will give you that confidence to do it. It's just reframing your negative beliefs and embracing a growth mindset.
Samantha Morris (12:11.222)
instead of focusing on what could go wrong, focusing on what could go right. So the fourth step, which I suppose isn't really a proper step, but is practice. If you aren't confident speaking to people, particularly women, go and practice asking the server at the coffee shop how their day is going.
It's just that little bit more than high. Can I have a latte? Which is obviously my drink. that's what I like, but it's not too big of a step that it will cause you to stop. You literally just say, how's your day? Nothing really can go wrong from that because even if you stutter, who cares?
They're not going to be your lifelong partner. If you practice with strangers, it means there's no comeback and reduced embarrassment if it goes wrong. So if you start with simple things, don't start asking random people on dates because that is a bit...
weird and women don't tend to like random people coming up to them and asking them on dates. But you could, if you go running as you run past people, just say hi. You're not being sleazy. You're not going to scare anyone. You literally just doing something to boost your confidence a little bit. And if you're not ready to practice on real people, practice in the mirror.
When I first started delivering healthy sex programs, which I've been doing for many years, some of the conversations I knew that I had to have would be ones that went outside of the norm and cause a lot of awkwardness. So for months, I practiced saying to the mirror, how many times do you masturbate a day?
Samantha Morris (14:37.432)
How often do you masturbate? How often do you have sex?
Samantha Morris (14:56.847)
I monitored my facial expressions in the mirror and I got better.
It's very rare that I ask that question to people anymore, just because I don't do that much one-to-one work around healthy sex.
Samantha Morris (15:17.198)
But when I do, my face doesn't portray any awkwardness. You would just think that I've just asked you a regular question like, was your day?
My point of this is that old saying of practice makes perfect. It really is true. So if you aren't confident enough to actually do it with a real person, do it to yourself in the mirror.
So my challenge taken away from this episode is today you're going to take one step, whether that be starting a mantra of how amazing you are, write it down. I am good at tennis. I'm not good at tennis, but just what you think that you are good at.
give that confidence to yourself. Or today might be the day that you say hi as you walk past someone on the way to work. Just take one step today and then take it again tomorrow and keep going until you feel confident enough to then increase that step and add another step. Confidence isn't about being perfect. It's about embracing who you are.
building on that and becoming a better version of yourself. I hope that's helpful. Thank you for tuning in. If this episode has helped you in any way, take that step, do something new and hit subscribe. Thank you.
