Samantha Morris (00:00.718)
Hi everyone, welcome back to the podcast. If you are new here, I'm Sam Morris. I'm an empowered dating relationships and sex coach. And I have been helping single people heal, build confidence and attract healthy, real love for 10 years. It's been a little while since I recorded one of these.
because I have been super busy getting all of my newbies into my 30 day program and just life-ing really, which means I have let the podcast slip just a little. But it is a reminder to all of you people out there that life can sometimes get in the way. As long as you are committed, you can come back to anything.
any habit that you started that you haven't done for a while, you got permission to go back to it, you get a do over. And I really think that that links very well to what I want to talk to you about today. Today's episode is inspired by my work with my own children, which is a lot of what is.
it's inspired by and because I want my children to grow up knowing what a healthy relationship is and just being really good adult humans. Today is mainly about my son. I want to dive into something that is often missed when we're talking about communication skills.
And that is tone of voice. When it comes to dating and relationships, communication isn't just about the words that we use. How we say something can completely change the meaning. And I do an exercise in my webinar all about wording and different people's interpretations of it.
Samantha Morris (02:26.19)
I always find it really incredible how different we all interpret words, single words, and you can get 50 different interpretations of the same word. And that is exactly the same when you're talking about tone of voice. Your tone of voice builds trust. It builds connection. Or it can cause
misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict. So in this episode, I'm going to be talking about how to become more aware of your tone of voice, how it impacts your relationships, and just a few simple ways to improve it.
So I know some of you might be thinking, why does tone of voice matter so much? So much so that it's getting its own podcast episode. And I think I like to do a lot of practical work with my clients and communication is one of the key things because when you start to build up these skills, whilst you're single,
They transfer into a relationship. They improve any future relationship that you're going to get into because you've got the skills that match a healthy relationship. And then you naturally start attracting other people who bring the same to you, which is the whole law of attraction.
Well, I just want you to have a think about when you was at school or maybe when you was at work and you was watching a presentation and the person presenting or the teacher just keeps talking in the same way, just like this for an hour.
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How interested were you in the topic?
because it literally, could have been the most interesting topic in the world, like your favorite topic. But because the presenter or the teacher was using a specific tone of voice, it made it terrible. It made it boring. It made you not want to be involved. And a real life example of that is a few weeks ago,
We went to college. My daughter is off to college next year for my American listeners. That is just like the high school bit where there's 16 to 18. Here we call it college. So we spent a lot of time going to open days and she was deciding which courses to pick and what she wanted to do with her life. And we ended up going to a miniature lecture all about
criminology. She already takes sociology, the kind of works that she wants to go into, criminology would be very helpful. And obviously me and my husband, we were both working in prisons, so she does already have a kind of mild interest around it. Anyway, this lecture was so boring. People actually walked out halfway through.
The person was talking about the psychology of about why people commit crimes, which for me is so interesting. But the tone of voice of the tutor made it so boring. And because of that experience, she now doesn't want to take the subject, the subject that I know she would.
Samantha Morris (06:45.518)
if with the right teacher be sat there for hours mesmerized in why people behave the way that they behave. And the thing is, as kids,
We were never really taught this stuff. We were never taught that tone of voice means that. That tone of voice means you sound boring. We were constantly picked up on, if we weren't using the right tone of voice and it was disrespectful, we were constantly told, don't talk to me like that. Watch your tone or even see what happens if you speak to me like that again. With a little threat thrown in.
And most of the time, and I don't know if you're anything like me, but I used to kind of in my head and I would, you know, I wouldn't say this or maybe I would, I don't know. I would say it now, but I certainly used to be like, what? I didn't speak to you like anything. What are you talking about?
But no one ever taught me. Well, you said it like this, and maybe you meant it like this.
And this was exactly the conversation that we have been having with my children this week. When they say something in a tone that appears to be horrible, I repeat it back to them. So a quick example, when I asked you to put your shoes on, I want you to listen to the two different ways.
Samantha Morris (08:33.558)
of response. And firstly, I'm going to respond in the way that you responded.
And then secondly, I'm going to say it how you could have said it.
I'm doing it now!
Okay, I'm just doing it.
Can you see the difference in the tone there and the interpretation of that? And when I point that out to my children, they are like, okay, I didn't mean it like that.
Samantha Morris (09:09.97)
most of the time they recognise that and then we can go into a whole different conversation a bit like the one that me and you are having right now about tone.
But if you was never taught about tone, if you never had those conversations with your parents, which I didn't, it's not surprising that there may have been times in your life, maybe in a relationship, maybe in communication with a family member, that someone has been offended by something you've said, and you are kind of just sat there thinking, what the hell? did I do? Because...
Although we normally find it easy to pick up on other people's tones and we do this without even thinking. So you could walk into work and you can tell that your boss is in a bad mood simply from the way that they said, good morning. You know, when a friend is upset just by the way that they answer the phone. I remember
So I've seen it time and time again when I've jumped on a call with a client and instantly I'm like, what has happened? What's gone wrong here? Because I can tell from their tone of voice and in dating, you can hear hesitation, can hear excitement, you can hear indifference in someone's voice long before they even say anything, long before...
the actual words come out is what I mean. Obviously you only can hear what they're saying through the tone of voice, but if someone is hesitant, you hear that in their voice before they say to you, I'm not sure. But we don't always hear ourselves and our own tone in the way that other people do. To add to this,
Samantha Morris (11:20.462)
And I know that the world that we live in, you will have heard me, if you've listened to this podcast before, talk about how much I dislike dating apps. Although as a side note, I do actually have a really helpful episode all about what you should be doing and what should be on your dating app profile. think that's maybe episode seven, but dating apps are not something that I love.
because I believe that humans can only connect with real humans. You are listening to my voice. If I got an AI bot to make this podcast, you may not connect with me in the same way. You wouldn't connect with the robot in the same way that you would with a human. So I always encourage
my clients to get off the dating apps as soon as possible because messaging doesn't pick up on tone of voice. Have you ever read a message and thought, why are they being like that? Or that was rude. And to them find out that the person didn't mean it that way in any way at all.
And that's because tone of voice doesn't translate through messages, unless you're obviously using voice messages. You can't hear sarcasm. You can't see a rolly eye. You can't pick up on a joke in a message, unless people use the laughing emojis, they use lol, because that's how they are portraying their tone.
When you apply that to dating, think about how many times a message that you have sent may have been misunderstood. Or how many times have you received a message and been like, okay, they clearly don't like me. And the problem with that is that we as humans, when we get rejected, when we feel rejection,
Samantha Morris (13:40.622)
We shut off. don't then approach the person and be like, why, why, why? Because you don't want to feel that rejection again. But what if it was simply you were rejected because of the way that you read the message and it wasn't actually a rejection. How many connections that could have been wonderful have faded or been ruined because there was no energy in the message.
I hear this all the time with my clients where they're like, well, I was chatting to this person and there was just no energy there. And I'm like, in a message? How can you tell whether there's any energy in a message? Some people are just not good at texting. And if you think about my teacher example, how many times in your life has something interesting been made boring?
by someone's tone of voice. So on a dating app, you could be making yourself out to be something that you aren't just simply because of the way that they are reading it. Or the other way around, you could think someone isn't your vibe, but if you met them in person, they would be amazing for you. You could literally be missing out on the one.
because tone of voice does not translate into messaging. Anyway, enough about dating now, so get off my soapbox. The key thing here is tone of voice is a powerful tool in attraction. The warmth in someone's voice, the way that they express excitement, the gentleness in how they speak.
It plays a big role in chemistry and how you attract people into your life. How many times have you heard someone say, I love their voice. If that same person was talking in a monotone, would they say the same? No. So if you want to build deeper, healthier relationships, healthier connections,
Samantha Morris (16:03.38)
Whether it's romantic or otherwise, friendships, tone awareness is going to be a game changer for you. I do this as like a whole session with my clients because I do truly believe that practice makes perfect. So every relationship skill that they learn, I get them to practice it with me. But I'll give you some super quick tips here.
things that are actionable for you because I don't like to give people problem, problem, problem. Let me talk properly. Problem, problem, problem without a solution.
My first thing, try saying the same phrase in different tones. Have you ever watched the friends episode? Big friends fan here, by the way, friends episode where Ross says, I'm fine. I don't know why my voice is like this. I'm fine. And he clearly wasn't fine. Try doing that. Try saying, I'm fine.
in a happy tone. Try saying it in a sarcastic tone. Try saying it in a frustrated tone or an angry tone because it is different. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Try saying the same phrase in different tones based on different emotions and start to notice how the meaning completely changes and how people will take that. The second thing, second tip for you, start to look at the conversations that you've had this week.
Samantha Morris (18:07.724)
Start to observe other people's conversations. Pay attention to the way that people are speaking and pay attention to the way that you speak to others, your friends, your coworkers, your family members. Start to ask yourself questions like, did that tone align with how I was feeling at the time? Did I seem distracted? Did I seem unnecessarily sharp?
Now I don't want you to go away from this episode and overanalyze yourself and give yourself big anxiety and then never speak to anyone ever again. Because this is just an awareness exercise. It's you becoming aware and then making improvements. Improvements that will help you with your communication skills, with your relationships. We are all constantly improving.
I've spoken before about how I read self-help books every single day because I'm constantly trying to improve. And that is you too. And the people that aren't doing these things that aren't trying to make small improvements every single day, they are people that stay stuck and they are people that get bitter and you're not one of those people. If you notice that there were times
where your tone didn't go along with the way you were feeling, you now have permission to go do a do-over. You can say, I didn't quite get that. Let me start again. It is no different to if you get tongue-guided or if you stutter. People make allowances for it. People will make allowances for you saying something wrong.
in the wrong tone.
Samantha Morris (20:07.768)
they will prefer it. They will prefer you correcting yourself so that they don't get the wrong end of the stick, so that they don't think that you're angry at them and be sitting there confused like, I don't know what I did. Dating, relationships, and love thrive on how we communicate, not just the words that we say. Your tone of voice,
can build trust, can create attraction, it can strengthen any connection, or it can create a distance without you even realizing it. So I want you to start practicing, I want you to start improving. These skills will become invaluable to you in the future and not just for dating, not just for relationships. Learn how your tone of voice
sounds when you say things and when you go for a job interview you'll be on fire because you won't sound anxious because you know about your tone of voice. This is a game changer and it's so simple to monitor, so simple to change.
That's it for today. I appreciate you tuning in and I appreciate that you are taking the time to find love in a positive and an empowered way. If you want to take this a little bit deeper, I am hosting my free Hill Grow and Attract webinar where you will learn the reasons why you haven't attracted the right kind of love.
My proven roadmap to healing from past pain so you no longer sabotage love. The number one shift that makes high quality partners naturally drawn to you. And why dating apps and putting yourself out there more isn't the solution. I'll add the link to the free webinar in the show notes. I'm Sam Morris.
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and I will speak to you next week. Thank you for listening.
