Hey it's Sam,
Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? It lingers in your chest, it's there in your sleep and it certainly shows up in your self-esteem.
That kind of pain has a name: we call it emotional trauma.
And it happens when love becomes more feelings of anxiety or confusion and all of the other feelings we have within a toxic relationship. And it can leave big yet invisible scars that take time to heal.
And this is especially true when your nervous system has been in survival mode for so long (maybe because of repeated toxic relationships adn environments) that it doesn't recognise real safety, only what it knows to be familiar.
Relationship Trauma Can Look Like:
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Being made to feel like everything is your fault
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Being betrayed (emotionally and physically) - this could be through cheating or you're partner not standing up for you to their family for example.
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Feeling abandoned where someone isn't there for you emotionally, or actually being left with no warning.
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Emotional neglect where your partner failed to notice, was unaware of you and how you were feeling or simply didn't care.
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Gaslighting where you were made to doubt your reality, your reasoning or your sanity.
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Emotional manipulation, which could be through lying and then blaming you, making threats and trying to convince you to do something you didn;t want to. And it could be withholding of love or isolating you from everyone else.
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A slow drip of criticism
And the reason why it hurts so much is because...
When you love someone who constantly triggers fear, anxiety, or shame, your brain kind of gets stuck in a loop.
Which can make you do and feel things that logically don't make sense.
You may:
Crave the attention even when it's causing you pain. This is why so many people return to toxic relationships, the nervous system tricks them into thinking that relationship is safer than being alone.
Have you ever missed someone and resented them at the same time?
Yes, that's the loop.
And it could have been, where you only felt "good enough" when you;d done things to earn tehir affection or attention.
And I don't want anyone to go into the blame game and start singing Taylor Swift:
This is just your nervous system responding to emotional trauma.
And it was just trying to protect you.
So how do we stop this from happening again?
Well next week I'm talking about how to gently regulate your nervous system and begin the healing process — with practical, trauma-informed steps.
This week, I'm going to start with the first step that I always start with...
Self Love.
And that begins with gratitude. Giving yourself gratitude and not relying on another human to create that feeling for you.
Which is exactly what I talk about in this podcast episode.
How loving yourself leads to healthier relationships.
Make sure you let me know what you are going to do this week to give yourself gratitude, by replying to this email.
See you next week with my healing the nervous system techniques!
Sam
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